i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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