Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
