You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
