I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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