I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
