Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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