Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
