hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
