The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize