mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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