i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
