In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
