I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
