I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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