All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
