I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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