don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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