I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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