i love accidental penises.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
