for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
