your parents love me but you hate me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
