i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
