Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
