the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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