Girls should come with a carfax report
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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