I faked an abortion last night.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
