It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
