Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
