Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
