I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
