I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
