he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
