dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
