dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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