at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
