I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
