I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
