So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
