My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
