Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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