I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
