C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
