Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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