How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
