I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
