if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize