I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
