he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
