Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize