i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
