This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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