I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
