oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
