Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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