fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
