it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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