I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
