omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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