i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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