Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
