ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
pray to the hookup gods
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
