i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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