I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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