You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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