I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
