You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
